Weighed in this morning and gained 200 grams, with a small drop in centimetres.
I have stuck to my eating plan, drank my 4-4.5 litres of water and got enough sleep and its also not hormonal. Either it comes down to my calories need lowering or i am just retaining some fluid.
So will stick to the same calories and macros and we will see how the scales are going at the end of the week.
I also went back to the gym this week....so I did SOME exercise this week where as I hadnt for a while. I did 2 x 30 minute walks. Then wednesday I did a PT session which was a cardio session and super intensive....I was huffing and puffing the entire session lol. Then thursday I did another session which was predominantly weights. So this week is me trying to get back into the gym side of things. The aim is to do 2 PT sessions and 2 sessions on my own and trying to do as much walking as i can (think i might do some walks from work to home)
I did post recently about excess skin surgery and thought I would update on that a lil. I was finding my brain was umming and ahhing over this decision constantly. Like I am so far from saying "yes i will do it" and i was starting to get concerned that if i decided not to do the surgery that i would get in a headspace of not wanting to get to goal. So for the moment i decided to focus simply getting to goal, with the healthiest body fat percent and also the fittest...so if I do end up going thru any surgeries Ill have the best chance with recovery. But for the moment any thought about it is off the table.
Today was footy pie day at work...so I fitted into my calories/macros for the day a meat pie and a krispy kreme donut...omg so yummy ;) Tuesday night I am going out for dinner with a friend and will be having pizza so a few meals out this week...not sure how the scales will like that...but will just do my best :)
Friday, September 29, 2017
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Excess Skin Surgery
Whilst I still have a way to go with my weight loss. Loose skin is becoming more obvious and the question of excess skin surgery has been something I am giving thought to.
I will say....right now I am OPEN to it but I have in no way decided I am definitely getting it done.
At this stage my focus is obviously the weight loss, getting my body fat as low as healthily possible (Ive read the lower the body fat....the less liposuction which will make recovery easier) and getting fit as possible.
I went to have a surgery a few years ago and the doctor at the pre op appointment told me that being as I was so fit would help my surgery recovery...he compared surgery to putting your body thru a marathon...so the fitter you are the more likely you are to have a better recovery.
When I lost my weight all those years ago I was very against skin surgery. One of the big reasons was the pure thought of surgery. I know a lot of people think its something that they think is just logical...lose a huge amount of weight....get skin surgery, but for someone who has a real phobia for needles and all things hospitals its something I consider a huge decision. The thought of handing myself over to someone to cut my skin, fat, muscles when I dont have a medical illness is a HUGE consideration. Along with that is the recovery, I live alone and whilst I am sure I would cope....its not a ideal situation.
Money. Ahhhh money. It will be a VERY expensive exercise. When you take into account 12 months of private health insurance, gap fees (presuming it gets approved by medicare) if I was to go whole hog and get my boobs, tummy tuck and arms done I would be spending AT LEAST $10-$15k...possibly higher.
I have been doing research and am in some facebook groups reading up. I have noticed there is certainly a number of times people are having to get revisions done because they have not been happy with the outcome, I also think....no matter how much surgery....my body will never be what i honestly want it to be. There will always be more that needs to be done and I certainly dont want to get stuck into a plastic surgery cycle.
That said....I have seen some people get surgery....and have incredible recoveries.
When I lost my weight previously while I did occassionally get rashes the skin to me is more the impact it has on me mentally. I dont want to get down to my goal weight and think i REFUSE to have surgery but psychologically i am super unhappy with my body as it is. If I got down to my goal weight and the excess skin I felt I could deal with and didnt cause me mentally any issues then I wouldnt see a real reason to get the surgery.
So as you can see, I have a lot of mixed thoughts about the surgery (and I am sure I will get people saying just get the surgery....I just dont believe the decision is as simple as that)...keep tuned for future posts....as I slowly come to more conclusions on this topic.
I will say....right now I am OPEN to it but I have in no way decided I am definitely getting it done.
At this stage my focus is obviously the weight loss, getting my body fat as low as healthily possible (Ive read the lower the body fat....the less liposuction which will make recovery easier) and getting fit as possible.
I went to have a surgery a few years ago and the doctor at the pre op appointment told me that being as I was so fit would help my surgery recovery...he compared surgery to putting your body thru a marathon...so the fitter you are the more likely you are to have a better recovery.
When I lost my weight all those years ago I was very against skin surgery. One of the big reasons was the pure thought of surgery. I know a lot of people think its something that they think is just logical...lose a huge amount of weight....get skin surgery, but for someone who has a real phobia for needles and all things hospitals its something I consider a huge decision. The thought of handing myself over to someone to cut my skin, fat, muscles when I dont have a medical illness is a HUGE consideration. Along with that is the recovery, I live alone and whilst I am sure I would cope....its not a ideal situation.
Money. Ahhhh money. It will be a VERY expensive exercise. When you take into account 12 months of private health insurance, gap fees (presuming it gets approved by medicare) if I was to go whole hog and get my boobs, tummy tuck and arms done I would be spending AT LEAST $10-$15k...possibly higher.
I have been doing research and am in some facebook groups reading up. I have noticed there is certainly a number of times people are having to get revisions done because they have not been happy with the outcome, I also think....no matter how much surgery....my body will never be what i honestly want it to be. There will always be more that needs to be done and I certainly dont want to get stuck into a plastic surgery cycle.
That said....I have seen some people get surgery....and have incredible recoveries.
When I lost my weight previously while I did occassionally get rashes the skin to me is more the impact it has on me mentally. I dont want to get down to my goal weight and think i REFUSE to have surgery but psychologically i am super unhappy with my body as it is. If I got down to my goal weight and the excess skin I felt I could deal with and didnt cause me mentally any issues then I wouldnt see a real reason to get the surgery.
So as you can see, I have a lot of mixed thoughts about the surgery (and I am sure I will get people saying just get the surgery....I just dont believe the decision is as simple as that)...keep tuned for future posts....as I slowly come to more conclusions on this topic.
Friday, September 22, 2017
Weekly Reflections #4
Weighed in and lost 3.5 kilos :) Taking me back to 109.5 kilos!!!
The week went really well. Getting back on track early in the week I was feeling peckish but the last few days not feeling peckish at all!!! I have noticed the last couple of weeks I am feeling much more active. For a while there (ok heck of a long time) any spare time I had I just wanted to sit in front of the tv chilling out, now I notice I am getting restless. I wanna throw on some clothes I love and get out there and do stuff.
Today I went shopping. When in melbourne I bought some tight fitting light coloured tops and I needed to buy some white or flesh coloured bras...so I went bra shopping. Bought 3 - all fit - size 16DD and trust me it wont be long till I am in a D cup :) One is a basic bone coloured one, one is a white sports bra and the other is a super fancy blue/steel coloured one with lace and not a super thick strap. I then also bought a summer dress from target - its a size 18 super pretty and while it doesnt fit me yet it hopefully will by summer. I also got a pair of knee length denim shorts, and 3 tops - I have attached a pic of the shorts and 3 of the tops.
The week went really well. Getting back on track early in the week I was feeling peckish but the last few days not feeling peckish at all!!! I have noticed the last couple of weeks I am feeling much more active. For a while there (ok heck of a long time) any spare time I had I just wanted to sit in front of the tv chilling out, now I notice I am getting restless. I wanna throw on some clothes I love and get out there and do stuff.
Today I went shopping. When in melbourne I bought some tight fitting light coloured tops and I needed to buy some white or flesh coloured bras...so I went bra shopping. Bought 3 - all fit - size 16DD and trust me it wont be long till I am in a D cup :) One is a basic bone coloured one, one is a white sports bra and the other is a super fancy blue/steel coloured one with lace and not a super thick strap. I then also bought a summer dress from target - its a size 18 super pretty and while it doesnt fit me yet it hopefully will by summer. I also got a pair of knee length denim shorts, and 3 tops - I have attached a pic of the shorts and 3 of the tops.
A big decision was made this week. I wont go into all the reasons, but I have decided to stop personal training. Over the last 11-12 weeks mostly due to sickness I havent been doing PT and I am still progressing so I dont feel it is necessary. I will go back to the gym in time but I am not rushing back. Tomorrow night and sunday night I am planning to go walking after work with a friend. I think PT has a lot of benefits but its very costly, especially doing it twice a week and in all honesty I didnt feel my trainer was as invested anymore. But its all good...its money I can either leave in the bank, or spend on clothes or my hair or whatever or save towards excess skin surgery (no guarantee on this but I am open to skin surgery)
Not a real lot else to say....heres to another good week :)
Monday, September 18, 2017
Goals
On the weekend I was thinking..."why after 3-4 years of being unsuccessful at weightloss why since October 2 2016 did I suddenly manage to get back on track and start to get this weight moving"
Theres probably a lot of reasons why, but the one that really struck me was goals.
Late last year when I go back on track it was very up and down initially. Then xmas came...and I decided come Deccember 26 I was getting back on track. I was all pumped. And on boxing day morning I definitely woke up committed. January 1 was coming and I knew it was the perfect time to set some goals.
I set some big goals. One was that I wanted to get to double digits and one to lose 30 kilos.
These were big goals...goals I quite possibly wont meet. Getting to double digits is possible but getting to 30 kilos is not likely. Once I had those goals I ended up making smaller goals. In the first few months of the year it was to lose 2.5 kilos per month, and I met those goals the first few months.
Then I set a goal to be under 110 kilos by July 3. I didnt make it...I got close (before a gain). Was I disappointed? Well actually no. Of course I would have loved to hit that goal, but having that goal in mind in the months leading up to July 3, kept me on track. Setting goals and accepting you may not hit them but by keeping your eye on the prize will help you get as close to possible to that goal for me is definitely motivating and helpful.
Its something I highly recommend. Set a goal that you believe is very attainable and then set a second goal that is hard to achieve....if you dont reach that goal its ok...but working to get as close as possible to that goal will help you keep motivated and on track.
So what are my current goals? I want by November 17 to be under 105 kilos. By December 19 I want to be as close to double digits as possible (fingers cross ill be double digits - what a xmas present to me that would be!)
Theres probably a lot of reasons why, but the one that really struck me was goals.
Late last year when I go back on track it was very up and down initially. Then xmas came...and I decided come Deccember 26 I was getting back on track. I was all pumped. And on boxing day morning I definitely woke up committed. January 1 was coming and I knew it was the perfect time to set some goals.
I set some big goals. One was that I wanted to get to double digits and one to lose 30 kilos.
These were big goals...goals I quite possibly wont meet. Getting to double digits is possible but getting to 30 kilos is not likely. Once I had those goals I ended up making smaller goals. In the first few months of the year it was to lose 2.5 kilos per month, and I met those goals the first few months.
Then I set a goal to be under 110 kilos by July 3. I didnt make it...I got close (before a gain). Was I disappointed? Well actually no. Of course I would have loved to hit that goal, but having that goal in mind in the months leading up to July 3, kept me on track. Setting goals and accepting you may not hit them but by keeping your eye on the prize will help you get as close to possible to that goal for me is definitely motivating and helpful.
Its something I highly recommend. Set a goal that you believe is very attainable and then set a second goal that is hard to achieve....if you dont reach that goal its ok...but working to get as close as possible to that goal will help you keep motivated and on track.
So what are my current goals? I want by November 17 to be under 105 kilos. By December 19 I want to be as close to double digits as possible (fingers cross ill be double digits - what a xmas present to me that would be!)
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Weekly Reflection #3
So today was weigh in day ... and it wasnt good! lol
Heres the situation...Ive been sick. Whilst I am getting better I am just coming to the end of the second week of being sick. This week I have been on a plethora of medications...antibiotics, panadeine forte, dimmetapp, nasonex, otrivan, ointment for my eye for conjunctivitis, tilade and ventolin! I also didnt drink much water this week and I am hormonally challenged today ;)...needless to say....I gained 4 kilos this week! Eek!
Am i stressed over it? No. I know its fluid from my cycle, lack of water and medications. Right now I am off most of the medications...just on tilade, ventolin, dimmetapp, nasonex and panadeine forte. Today I have also got back into my water....4.5 litres drank today (which is what i normally drink) and to be honest my focus this week was just to get better.
But its a new fresh week - my aim is to knock of most of the gain I had this week. Which is a big ask considering it was 4 kilos! But if I can knock off two of it I would be happy...so aiming to be under 111 kilos this friday. My cycle has arrived but by friday I should have got rid of most of the fluid.
Not really a lot else to say as spending most of the week in bed makes for a boring week!
Enjoy this coming week all :)
Heres the situation...Ive been sick. Whilst I am getting better I am just coming to the end of the second week of being sick. This week I have been on a plethora of medications...antibiotics, panadeine forte, dimmetapp, nasonex, otrivan, ointment for my eye for conjunctivitis, tilade and ventolin! I also didnt drink much water this week and I am hormonally challenged today ;)...needless to say....I gained 4 kilos this week! Eek!
Am i stressed over it? No. I know its fluid from my cycle, lack of water and medications. Right now I am off most of the medications...just on tilade, ventolin, dimmetapp, nasonex and panadeine forte. Today I have also got back into my water....4.5 litres drank today (which is what i normally drink) and to be honest my focus this week was just to get better.
But its a new fresh week - my aim is to knock of most of the gain I had this week. Which is a big ask considering it was 4 kilos! But if I can knock off two of it I would be happy...so aiming to be under 111 kilos this friday. My cycle has arrived but by friday I should have got rid of most of the fluid.
Not really a lot else to say as spending most of the week in bed makes for a boring week!
Enjoy this coming week all :)
Thursday, September 14, 2017
Fitness Goals
So I am still sick. Admittedly not as sick as last week....but at that point where the sickness has just drained me....and just getting thru my days is my number one goal. Today I go back to the docs to check what the results of my blood test for vitamin D was....and if it is low (as I suspect it is) I will find out how much vitamin D supplements he wants me to take. I also have not been taking my iron supplements. I havent taken them for a few years to be honest. So I am back taking them as well.
Anyways, seeing as my immune system isnt 100% at the moment I have taken a break from the gym. I want to fix my immune system and then get back to exercise. One of the things I have thought about a lot lately is what do i HONESTLY want from a gym routine. Like okay we go to the gym to lose weight but long term what is it I want? Like do i want to become a power lifter, or a runner or whatever. Not being at the gym these past few weeks its really given me a chance to think about that. And heres my answer....my honest true ultimate "fitness goals" is to be more active outdoors. And what I mean by that is....when I go to streaky bay for xmas (most years) I usually go to the beach for a bit and do boogy boarding which I really enjoy. But I would like to do more then that...year round....Id like to go kayaking, maybe take some surfing lessons, go hiking/bushwalking. A few years ago (like I think 2012) I went adventure caveing at the Janelon Caves I did a beginners caveing adventure - Id like to go back and try a intermediate one, id like to go hot air ballooning. So more then being stuck in a gym....I want to be in the outdoors going on "adventures"
I am about 10 kilos away from being double digits. One of my goals from day one of this journey in 2006 has been running. I got into running in 2012 and actually ran the city to bay in adelaide (a 12km run) but since then I have had a couple of falls on treadmills and so refuse to go on them now. But my plan is once I am down to double digits to start to do the couch 2 5km. My plan is to do it outdoors (where I work is 10 minutes from the torrens river so i think the plan will be to do it around there) I want to get to a point where a 10km run is just my thing and I could plan weekends away around running races
As to "the gym" what is my plan? Well since I want to get my immune system in tip top shape and i dont think intense workouts are the way to go im not planning to go back to the gym for a while. I am thinking the earliest will be January. My plan is tho once I am over this illness is to start walking home from work 2-3 times a week. So hopefully i can start that within a few weeks. In a ideal world...I wont lie....my preference would be to do either crossfit or F45. The more I watch these types of workouts the more I am inclined to be interested in training this way. I have been following a crossfitter on instagram and you tube by the name of craig richey. And i have just found it so motivatng. Whilst when i go to the gym and do 2 PT sessions a week is great....going and doing sessions by myself i struggle with. Like its not that im alone (in most ways i work better that way!) its more having structure to be making progress. Sure I can go and do 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of strength training...but am I progressing session to session? Or am I just repeating the same thing I am doing week after week?
When I think what would I love to be able to do in the gym? Its not for me about lifting the heaviest weight...Id like to be able to do pullups (and variations of this)....to do a handstand...to do a walking handstand...to do box jumps....to do yoga moves
Its taken a LONG time to come to these conclusions. As you can see none of this is about how I look. Back in 2008 when I first joined fernwood if you had asked me what it is I want out of the gym my answer would have been "to lose weight and look good". Even a year ago if you had asked me it would have been "to minimise my excess skin" now both those reasons are still valid but they are not the main reason....the main reason is so i can do a pull up or handstand and be fit and healthy enough to get outdoors and have my adventures.
Anyways, seeing as my immune system isnt 100% at the moment I have taken a break from the gym. I want to fix my immune system and then get back to exercise. One of the things I have thought about a lot lately is what do i HONESTLY want from a gym routine. Like okay we go to the gym to lose weight but long term what is it I want? Like do i want to become a power lifter, or a runner or whatever. Not being at the gym these past few weeks its really given me a chance to think about that. And heres my answer....my honest true ultimate "fitness goals" is to be more active outdoors. And what I mean by that is....when I go to streaky bay for xmas (most years) I usually go to the beach for a bit and do boogy boarding which I really enjoy. But I would like to do more then that...year round....Id like to go kayaking, maybe take some surfing lessons, go hiking/bushwalking. A few years ago (like I think 2012) I went adventure caveing at the Janelon Caves I did a beginners caveing adventure - Id like to go back and try a intermediate one, id like to go hot air ballooning. So more then being stuck in a gym....I want to be in the outdoors going on "adventures"
I am about 10 kilos away from being double digits. One of my goals from day one of this journey in 2006 has been running. I got into running in 2012 and actually ran the city to bay in adelaide (a 12km run) but since then I have had a couple of falls on treadmills and so refuse to go on them now. But my plan is once I am down to double digits to start to do the couch 2 5km. My plan is to do it outdoors (where I work is 10 minutes from the torrens river so i think the plan will be to do it around there) I want to get to a point where a 10km run is just my thing and I could plan weekends away around running races
As to "the gym" what is my plan? Well since I want to get my immune system in tip top shape and i dont think intense workouts are the way to go im not planning to go back to the gym for a while. I am thinking the earliest will be January. My plan is tho once I am over this illness is to start walking home from work 2-3 times a week. So hopefully i can start that within a few weeks. In a ideal world...I wont lie....my preference would be to do either crossfit or F45. The more I watch these types of workouts the more I am inclined to be interested in training this way. I have been following a crossfitter on instagram and you tube by the name of craig richey. And i have just found it so motivatng. Whilst when i go to the gym and do 2 PT sessions a week is great....going and doing sessions by myself i struggle with. Like its not that im alone (in most ways i work better that way!) its more having structure to be making progress. Sure I can go and do 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of strength training...but am I progressing session to session? Or am I just repeating the same thing I am doing week after week?
When I think what would I love to be able to do in the gym? Its not for me about lifting the heaviest weight...Id like to be able to do pullups (and variations of this)....to do a handstand...to do a walking handstand...to do box jumps....to do yoga moves
Its taken a LONG time to come to these conclusions. As you can see none of this is about how I look. Back in 2008 when I first joined fernwood if you had asked me what it is I want out of the gym my answer would have been "to lose weight and look good". Even a year ago if you had asked me it would have been "to minimise my excess skin" now both those reasons are still valid but they are not the main reason....the main reason is so i can do a pull up or handstand and be fit and healthy enough to get outdoors and have my adventures.
Saturday, September 09, 2017
Weekly Reflection #2
Well...I have been sick as a dog this week! Started out with pharyngitis...then sinusitis...then got conjunctivitis on top of it lol
I havent worked all week altho I will go back on monday...today is the first day I have felt any improvement. My ears are still blocked....my eye still sore (I am wearing sunglasses 24/7 at the moment as they seem very sensitive to light) and my nose is still blocked but by keeping up nasal sprays thats become tolerable.
I also found this week my stomach was getting full very quickly. Which has meant its taken me a long time to eat some meals and getting my water in a struggle. But for the most part I have got my water in (only didnt yesterday)
So my loss for this week was.....*drumroll* 1.8 kilos!!! So I dropped down to 109 kilos. Crazy to think its less then 10 kilos till I will be double digits. This week tho I wont expect a big loss. My cycle is about to happen and i am just drained from this illness...I will be wrapped if I manage a 500 gram loss this week.
On friday when I went to the docs I asked him why I have been getting sick so often lately, he believes its from low vitamin D. So I ended up having a blood test and go back friday for the results. Because of this I have decided...if my doc confirms it is low vitamin D and i am guessing i will start taking supplements of vit D, but until I get my vitamin D level to normal levels I wont be going to the gym. It will be a lot more beneficial if I just get out and walk in the sunshine. So my plan is to walk home from work (which takes about a hour) most days. I need to get over this current illness....and once I am done with that ill build up the walking to 4-5 days per week.
Not a lot else going on - have a good weekend all :)
I havent worked all week altho I will go back on monday...today is the first day I have felt any improvement. My ears are still blocked....my eye still sore (I am wearing sunglasses 24/7 at the moment as they seem very sensitive to light) and my nose is still blocked but by keeping up nasal sprays thats become tolerable.
I also found this week my stomach was getting full very quickly. Which has meant its taken me a long time to eat some meals and getting my water in a struggle. But for the most part I have got my water in (only didnt yesterday)
So my loss for this week was.....*drumroll* 1.8 kilos!!! So I dropped down to 109 kilos. Crazy to think its less then 10 kilos till I will be double digits. This week tho I wont expect a big loss. My cycle is about to happen and i am just drained from this illness...I will be wrapped if I manage a 500 gram loss this week.
On friday when I went to the docs I asked him why I have been getting sick so often lately, he believes its from low vitamin D. So I ended up having a blood test and go back friday for the results. Because of this I have decided...if my doc confirms it is low vitamin D and i am guessing i will start taking supplements of vit D, but until I get my vitamin D level to normal levels I wont be going to the gym. It will be a lot more beneficial if I just get out and walk in the sunshine. So my plan is to walk home from work (which takes about a hour) most days. I need to get over this current illness....and once I am done with that ill build up the walking to 4-5 days per week.
Not a lot else going on - have a good weekend all :)
Monday, September 04, 2017
Regret
If someone asks....do you have any regrets? A lot of people would say...no....no regrets cos everything in my past made me the person I am today. And that is a very true way to think. And I agree with this MOSTLY
But if you were to ask me "do you regret anything in your life?" I would say yes. I regret not standing up for myself enough.
There is a very definite memory in my brain of when I was about 16. My mum wanted me to buy a "going out outfit" so we had gone to the local big shopping centre. There was me, my mum, prolly my sister and my step dad. Now my mum always thought I didnt behave like a "lady". Now the important point is - I had no desire to be a "lady". I was constantly told "Ladies dont talk like that Karyn" or "stop doing that its not lady like" Me? No im not lady like. I would say I am a person full of contradictions. I would describe myself as tomboy-ish...I wear jeans and tshirts but I love a pretty dress on occassion...I dont wear make up unless going out....but I love pink and am obsessed with unicorns....I can get in on the smut talk as good as any guy....but I know how to say please and thank you and would always aim to treat everyone as kind as I can. I am many things but I am not lady like. So anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyy we are at a clothes store....my STEPFATHER sees a outfit....its a gray skirt (puke), a pink and white striped shirt and a gray jacket. And they decide its the perfect outfit for me. I hated it. Hated everytime I had to put it on. And this is where regret kicks in - I knew I hated it but I went along with it. "yeah sure its nice" Why did I not say no its not for me? One i think cos i never felt anything I wanted to wear would get approval by them. Two I didnt want the conflict and three I just didnt feel I was "allowed" to be the true me. So they bought that blooming outfit and I wore it as little as possible.
I never felt I was truly me till I came out to my mum and her husband. Now this did not go well lol (understatement of the year actually!) I was told they didnt want me to talk about anyone I was dating in front of them, when I had a girlfriend flying in to visit me one time my mum told me "you know you wont be able to hold her hand" I never stood up for myself and said well this is me accept me or not. Instead I just avoided them.
My regret is not simply standing up for me....and having that big conversation and saying "this is me....accept me as I am or dont be part of my life" And I am not simply talking about being gay...I mean about the clothes I wear, about being "lady like", about not pressuring me to make purchases I didnt want to make and living my life my way not their way.
So is this a case now I have regrets of being angry and letting it negatively impact my life. No, its being aware of those regrets and ensuring those ways of thinking dont impact my life these days. Apart from doing what I am told to do at work lol...I live my life my way these days, with my rules and my expectations.
But if you were to ask me "do you regret anything in your life?" I would say yes. I regret not standing up for myself enough.
There is a very definite memory in my brain of when I was about 16. My mum wanted me to buy a "going out outfit" so we had gone to the local big shopping centre. There was me, my mum, prolly my sister and my step dad. Now my mum always thought I didnt behave like a "lady". Now the important point is - I had no desire to be a "lady". I was constantly told "Ladies dont talk like that Karyn" or "stop doing that its not lady like" Me? No im not lady like. I would say I am a person full of contradictions. I would describe myself as tomboy-ish...I wear jeans and tshirts but I love a pretty dress on occassion...I dont wear make up unless going out....but I love pink and am obsessed with unicorns....I can get in on the smut talk as good as any guy....but I know how to say please and thank you and would always aim to treat everyone as kind as I can. I am many things but I am not lady like. So anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyy we are at a clothes store....my STEPFATHER sees a outfit....its a gray skirt (puke), a pink and white striped shirt and a gray jacket. And they decide its the perfect outfit for me. I hated it. Hated everytime I had to put it on. And this is where regret kicks in - I knew I hated it but I went along with it. "yeah sure its nice" Why did I not say no its not for me? One i think cos i never felt anything I wanted to wear would get approval by them. Two I didnt want the conflict and three I just didnt feel I was "allowed" to be the true me. So they bought that blooming outfit and I wore it as little as possible.
I never felt I was truly me till I came out to my mum and her husband. Now this did not go well lol (understatement of the year actually!) I was told they didnt want me to talk about anyone I was dating in front of them, when I had a girlfriend flying in to visit me one time my mum told me "you know you wont be able to hold her hand" I never stood up for myself and said well this is me accept me or not. Instead I just avoided them.
My regret is not simply standing up for me....and having that big conversation and saying "this is me....accept me as I am or dont be part of my life" And I am not simply talking about being gay...I mean about the clothes I wear, about being "lady like", about not pressuring me to make purchases I didnt want to make and living my life my way not their way.
So is this a case now I have regrets of being angry and letting it negatively impact my life. No, its being aware of those regrets and ensuring those ways of thinking dont impact my life these days. Apart from doing what I am told to do at work lol...I live my life my way these days, with my rules and my expectations.
Saturday, September 02, 2017
Weekly Reflection #1
So once again I have been slack posting! But....I have plans to change that :) From now on I am planning to do a weekly post titled "weekly reflection" which will be a wrap up of the week I just had and then 1-2 posts during the week on "topics". These are not topics where I am saying people should do this or that but simply reflections on my journey, things I have noticed, more aware of or trying to change. In the past my journal was too much "i went to the gym and ate this many calories" so the journal will be different and in time I want to put it on its own domain....but for now heres my first weekly reflection....
So this week was amazeballs! I weigh in on friday mornings and 1 week ago I weighed 113.8 kilos. And this week I was 110.8 kilos :) I stuck to my plan 100% and did 2 PT sessions. ( My gym attendance definitely needs improving!) I also went out on sunday for Pizza with my friend Tania so really cannot complain.
So that loss meant I hit a few goals. Firstly it means I FLEW past 60 kilos lost from my highest weight and put me at 62.3 kilos. Since I started with equalution (I started March 21) I have lost 12 kilos and since I got back on track last October 2 I have lost a total 22.8 kilos.
I have a few goals coming up too....getting under 110 kilos has been a bit of a dream for quite a few years. I remember when I gained my weight back....getting over 110 kilos it felt like overnight I got fat (obviously thats not true...its more a mindset thing) So as well as getting under 110 kilos...the next goal would be getting to 108.6 kilos by October 2. Managing to do that would mean I lost 25 kilos over the last 12 months.
My goal for the coming week is just to lose 500 grams after such a big loss this week...so we are gunning for 110.3 kilos :)
So this week was amazeballs! I weigh in on friday mornings and 1 week ago I weighed 113.8 kilos. And this week I was 110.8 kilos :) I stuck to my plan 100% and did 2 PT sessions. ( My gym attendance definitely needs improving!) I also went out on sunday for Pizza with my friend Tania so really cannot complain.
So that loss meant I hit a few goals. Firstly it means I FLEW past 60 kilos lost from my highest weight and put me at 62.3 kilos. Since I started with equalution (I started March 21) I have lost 12 kilos and since I got back on track last October 2 I have lost a total 22.8 kilos.
I have a few goals coming up too....getting under 110 kilos has been a bit of a dream for quite a few years. I remember when I gained my weight back....getting over 110 kilos it felt like overnight I got fat (obviously thats not true...its more a mindset thing) So as well as getting under 110 kilos...the next goal would be getting to 108.6 kilos by October 2. Managing to do that would mean I lost 25 kilos over the last 12 months.
My goal for the coming week is just to lose 500 grams after such a big loss this week...so we are gunning for 110.3 kilos :)
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