Ive been doing lots of thinking the last few days. I realise and i know ive said it before...but the last 7 months or so ive really accomplished nothing....im the same weight as i was 7 months ago (okay im a kilo or so heavier now)....my measurements havent changed....my muscle definition hasnt changed...and my physical abilities havent improved. In the back of my mind ive constantly been thinking...once i have the DEXA scan results i will have more of a idea of my goals and where i am aiming for. So monday i have the DEXA scan...so come monday lunch time i will have a goal weight....ill know where my body fat is and ill have a very accurate BMR. Food wise i think im on the right track with this "eat more weigh loss" theory. One of the theories those who follow the whole "eat more weigh less" follow is heavy lifting...i currently do 2 resistance days ... but its mostly just with my body weight (pushups...chinups (or attempts lol)....etc) and usually pump once a week....i do think i will try to work out some routine for one additional day per week with high weights and low reps. Im going to buy "new rules of lifting for women" which seems to be a popular book. Hopefully i can work out a program for one day a week...i also want to keep running thats a "do-able" goal...while i feel pushups and chinups are unlikely...i think after running 2kms non stop last week i can build that up...so once i get back from sydney next week im going to commit to a work out plan to ensure i get the muscle definition happening with the running...so my plan is:

monday : Boxing/body combat
tuesday : running with fiona
wednesday :PT with nora (resistance work)
thursday : running
friday : Heavy weight work day/body pump
saturday :outdoor work out + body pump + body balance
sunday : running

The other thing is...exercise helps me mentally .... keeps the depression at bay....so i think its important i get back into it

Yep it is working out 7 days a week....but especially initially thuesday and sunday will be just 1-3km runs so its not like a hours workout. Im really sick of seeing no progress....it just doesnt make me feel good about myself. I am starting to realise part of the struggles i am having is trust...so something i need to work on. Theres other stuff going thru my brain but im not really ready to write about all of it yet....as im not positive on some things...im just trying to be positive and feel good about myself...and not so down on myself and not satisfied with where i am at (its hard trust me!) I also know part of it is comparing myself to others....and jsut being disappointed and not happy with how far i still have to go...anyway hopefully things will improve....i think this holiday to Sydney will help...hopefully i will come back refreshed!

Still thinking :(

I am at a weird place..6 weeks or so ago i was doing pretty good....since then i had my binging issues....which so far seems all under control thankfully. Then this issue with me struggling with the sessions which in some ways altho i realise this has prolly been coming on since day 1 of training and maybe it had to come along....to me it feels like its come out of nowhere. Its definitely taking up a bit of my thought processes at the moment...theres a part of me that thinks in 6 months time im going to find no change to my muscle definition....no change to my strength and still unable to do chin ups and pushups....its not the chinups so much cos they are something recent we have started working on so i prolly havent given them a real good try. But i think i gave up quite a while ago that ill ever be able to do full pushups where i go low. Theres part of me that thinks maybe its cos i dont see myself as "slim" ... yes i of course am smaller then i once was...but i dont have the type of body that i think can do chin ups ... push ups etc...my stomach and my thighs i can still grab handfuls of fat....and im not saying i see myself as i was 6 years ago...but im so far from where i wanna be....size wise...strength wise....so far from so many of the goals i have set out for. And this isnt a post so people go "oh kazz you are small" or whatever....i dont need that....i know this is a issue with me and how i simply see myself....maybe its cos i see myself naked each day so i am very "eyes open" about the reality of where my body is at....whether its cos i get down to 79 kilos and then cant seem to go all the way to 75 kilos....its like all my goals are so close yet so far away if that makes sense. Its truly doing my head in. Then theres a part of me where i think people think i am better then i am....that im really not at the level Nora thinks i am at....and well...for one thing i hate thinking im not good enough....and i know for me that usually means....its better to run away so that that way im not failing....i CHOSE not to see it thru...much better for my ego lol. In one way i think i should stop thinking about it etc...then another part of me thinks if i do that im really just burying my head in the sand over the issue....and this is what my journal is here for. I wish i could just go...ok pushups here we go and *bang* im doing them lol...such a pain in the ass!

The scales dropped down again this morning....by a massive 900 grams...pretty damn impressed with that :) I was hoping to be back under 85 kilos by the time I go too sydney...and i was 84.2 kilos this morning so very happy with that :)

Weeks Results.

So today is now a full week of doing the "eat more, weigh less" philosophy....i had done enough reading to know it might take 4-6 weeks to see a loss...but i knew this was a more healthy approach....my body wouldnt be trying to eat away at muscle, i would have enough energy for workouts, more nutrients in my body, not feeling deprived and hopefully break that binge cycle. So now a week is done...i didnt binge once :) and even better i wasnt even tempted....wasnt even a thought....i lost 2.1 kilos.....two other interesting things....where i am always freezing....ive definitely been warmer and also ive been quite tired especially the last few days....but that was a side effect I had read about and know it will settle down after a few weeks.

This morning i trained. Did a one hour workout....I really realise that breaking these mental barriers is not going to be easy! There was some exercises today i quite obviously could do...i think the hard part is how different this is...and how each session taking pull ups/chin ups for example...we do it different ways....whether its bands....on a bar or whatever so its hard to compare and think .... it feels easier today then last week...cos there isnt that comparison factor....now i realise why it isnt the same all the time...its (i guess) so its at varying degrees of hardness and i know you want to constantly change up your workout...so im not complaining...its just hard for me to judge if i am improving or not (which to be honest i dont think i am lol) when i trained with fiona at the gym and we did lots of weight work....it was easy to see the improvement as the weight amounts increased you knew you were doing better. But anyway that doesnt mean i am going to throw the towel in.... i know its just all different and with luck ill adjust etc...i spoke to fiona about it today and she thinks i need to verbalise it more during the session...but in all honesty thats not really me...i get why she is saying it but dont know if thats ever going to happen lol. Hopefully several months down the track i will see the benefits of training the way we are.

The other thing is...i dont think i have the body to do pushups or pullups. Over my time at the gym....ive increased my fitness...but i cant really think of anything i couldnt do that i can do now...i may not have wanted to do things....or i may have struggled....and not had the fitness level to do it well...but i could at least struggle thru and manage to do whatever exercise...chin ups and pushups are not things i can do at all...its not a case of increasing my fitness and i will suddenly be able to do them or whatever. I also dont have the body for these things....lets face it....people who do these kind of exercises successfully....prolly were never 170+ kilos...they are strong...have muscle...have definition...and they have athletic ability....they arent someone with a pile of excess skin...with fat on my stomach and thighs...(im not talking about a thin layer of fat a real fat stomach and fat thighs) and while yes im not big on my top half...im certainly not muscular or have strength there....quite the opposite....even if i look at what i do in pump....i do very small weights...i struggle to do 3.75kilos in the bicep/tricep/chest tracks...in fact i rarely do 3.75 and more often just do 2.5kilos on each end...doing things like squats i can get the weights pretty high and could prolly go a lot higher then i do...hmmmm im really rambling now lol....

Tonight im just chilling...relaxing....tomorrow i am having a nice big sleep in (hopefully) then need to clean the house and get the washing all done so it wont take me much to pack on wednesday. I will be flying out to Sydney before i know it (5 sleeps only!) really cannot wait for this 10 days off work...i havent had any annual leave (apart from the odd day here or there) since September....so its overdue!!

Mindset Stuff

I am going to preface this post by squashing a few rumours ;) Anyone who reads my journal or is on my facebook knows i exercise a bit....nothing over the top in my mind...4-5 days a week for 1-2 hours. Yesterday I had two conversations...one was with a guy at work...we were talking about the gym etc and he made the comment "but you love the gym" .... i looked at him like he had 3 heads and was like no i dont lol...he was like your always so positive about it tho...i explained to him....i HAVE to workout or ill be 170 kilos again...im not naturally good at the gym nor do i love it....I dont enjoy the process but i do enjoy the accomplishment i feel afterwards, i enjoy how it helps me mentally and the changes and impacts it has on my body. But im not nor will u ever be the person who goes "oh yippee i get to do 10 pushups now" - its just not EVER going to happen. Then last nite my trainer Nora basically said the same thing..."you must like it at least a lil bit" lol....the truth of that matter is...okay i prolly have a okay fitness level cos i can do a few classes in a row without dying...but i find "exercise" itself hard...it doesnt matter what class i am in...there is always parts i suck at...other parts of the class i may be passable at.... but plenty of parts i suck at! The truth of the matter is what i have been successful at is watching scales go down...im not suddenly doing things i couldnt do 2 years ago....i mean i guess there are somethings i do now that i wouldnt have imagined doing two years ago....but i always go back to the example of doing low, deep pushups....they have been a goal for at least 2 years and i STILL cannot do them....and i cant see that changing any time soon....and thats just one example...theres lots of things i cant do....and why am i writing this? Just because there seems to be some misconceptions on my abilities...and i dont want people think im a hero at the gym when in actual fact im a struggler lol.

Last weekend...i was doing a outdoor workout...i really struggled...it was like exercise after exercise that i just couldnt do....the session ended and all i could think i just wanna get out of here and get to the gym and do pump cos at least then i am doing something i am capable of. I felt foolish and that i was kidding myself that i should have taken part in this session.

I discussed it with Fiona after....she pointed out some things....the main thing being....if it gets too hard i run away. And its true....and even when i spoke to Fiona about this over the weekend before she said this to me....in the back of my mind i did think i was running away cos it got too hard...truth of the matter i have done this since i was a kid. I remember waking up the morning of a ballet competition and telling mum i didnt wanna go....no reason except i decided i didnt wanna go...i remember mum having a chat with me about it saying i thought you wanna be a ballet dancer? And my answer being nope just a ballet teacher....i just wanna be a normal person....and i know i didnt go to the competition simply cos i was scared...and its something i do a LOT i often will decide i want to do something (chuck in here getting my drivers licence, completing year 12,getting my drivers licence, volunteering at feast, bootcamp, crossfit, school ski-ing trip gawd the list goes on and on!) and i know i need to stop doing it....its why i gave up on weight loss so often....it got too hard so i gave up...in the moment it was easier. But as fiona said....i need to learn to step out of my comfort zone....and this is a safe environment for me to try doing this...and while i would prefer to not do it....i know i NEED to do it....i need to up my training now doubt and be doing more....its just a case i guess of accepting im going to be pushed and i may not like it and in fact may even hate it....but hopefully if i persist i will benefit not just with my weight loss but my life as well by learning to be vulnerable/out of my comfort zone. I know also there is a thought process i have going on thinking i cant do certain things (such as a deep squat) because of the fact i weighed 170 kilos before...Fiona is convinced i can but mentally i have a block there...to me i cant wrap my brain around the fact that i may be able too...i dont know if its cos i couldnt for so long that i cant...or cos i think my knees/legs will snap if i do and im worried about getting hurt...i dont know...cos i know i would LIKE to be able to do these things....but i know so often when theres things i dont think i can do i say in my session "i cant do that"....i know i shouldnt say that i should try my best regardless...cos theres no way ill stop thinking it till i stop saying it...so theres a lot of muddleness in my head...ive kind of just gone along with the training for so long....and suddenly its there things i avoided doing or thought processes that i suddenly realise i need to get over! Its really just mindset issues which i have never addressed before which i guess need addressing to stop me "quitting" so many things.

Okays theres todays admittance of the truth! lol

Well in so many ways things have turned a corner :) As i said on a previous post i was going to follow a different principal with my eating of "eat more weigh less" with this plan especially the first month it can be testing as often it takes a month or so to get some losses....ive been lucky tho....since starting it (day one was saturday) i gained 700 grams initially....ive since lost that plus another 2.1 kilos....so cannot complain...

Recently ,,,, a really bad habit of mine....i pretty much got put into my place over lol...I am pretty sure ive mentioned several times when things get hard i tend to run away...ive done it ever since i was a kid. Anyway something with my training cropped up that was hard for me....and i pretty much felt like a dork and a loser...and really just didnt want to deal with it anymore....lol...so told fiona i wasnt going to do it anymore....pretty much i got called out on it lol...not to say i think i am completely wrong with my thinking i think some aspects as im right....but i definitely do run away when things get hard so im sticking it out.

Exercise wise has been really good the last few days....911 calories burnt last night n 930 calories burnt tonite. Tuesday night i also somehow managed to run for 2 kilometres.....bit ecstatic that i actually managed to do it. Today was a PT session and then RPM....glad i am getting back into the exercise :)

:(

I think somewhere over the last 6 months i got lost...or i should say my drive got lost....a lot of the time when ive thought about it ive thoughts its cos fiona left the gym and i lost that comfort zone i had for a long time...and since she left the gym i just havent felt successful....ive not really lost weight since...whilst she was there yanno we were always focussed on so much....building up my stair climbing...doing the rower and building up my times on them...doing weight work that was building muscle....and theres certainly a part of me that thinks i still havent adjusted/accepted she is no longer at the gym. I mean i still work out with her several times per week but its different...and thats not necessarily bad....cos i enjoy our sessions we are out in the fresh air...mostly doing running intervals or running/climbing stairs but again its different. But i guess too fiona use to give me "homework" whether it was do 30 minutes non stop on the rower or do 15 "lots" of the stairs this...she has given me "homework" to do this last week too which was "200 jumps" with the skipping rope per night as well as a back stretch exercise but someone hasnt done that!

A situation arose recently with my training....where i really struggled with something...i didnt struggle for just 5 minutes....but the majority of a hour or so...and i must admit it left me feeling like a twat....sometimes you can think ur so far away from the 170+ kilos girl....and you can think your so much stronger and fitter and then its kinda like a slap in the face...."stop kidding yourself karyn...your smaller but your the same" and since that situation occurred its really made me think about the last 6 months...and yes we all know i havent lost weight over that period....but its not really about that its more about overall looking at my journey ive really taken some steps backwards...im a few kilos heavier then i was 6 months ago...my clothing size has not gone down...my abilities physically have not improved (i mean really how long have i been harping on about wanting to do proper pushups and run and still not truly doing them) I think if i hadnt lost over that period of time but i was seeing improvements in abilities, or my toning or my clothing size it would be different....but when i think back over the 6 months i have really accomplished nothing.

I do realise part of it prolly has to do with the fact that i didnt understand/know the differences i would encounter when so close to goal...and yes i did have a minor injury late last year....but still i should be so much further along then i am....and i cant help but feel so disappointed in myself. I dont really want to just continue fluffing around but gaining nothing.

I do think that sometimes...in losing my way its because i gave up on some goals. I became convinced that having a partner is not meant for me. And while i think its important to accept i may never have a partner....i dont know that wont happen 110%....the only way i know that 110% is if i give up on me and dont keep working towards that as a goal....i just need to keep things realistic and in perspective. Over the last few months ive thought "if i cant get under 79 kilos and cant get to goal then how could i as a personal trainer expect to help anyone else get to goal" so i kinda filed the PT course under the "never going to happen" category. And i think thats it...in a lot of way i gave up on getting to goal...and i always suspected i wouldnt get to goal..and its kinda like ive "proven" that...im not getting to goal...so might as well give up...makes sense right? (NOT!) I need to get that drive back...to honestly be focused on ... i need tangible things to focus on and move at my own rate...i think food wise the plan im onto now makes sense...and its definitely more focused on "for life" and while the weight loss will be slow its just more do-able and its nice not to be hungry all the time. Its now just getting a plan going with my exercise....so im not just aimlessly going along so i have goals and things to aim for without trying to do things that make me feel foolish...i dont know that i have the answers yet...certainly something i need to put more thought into...but getting it down on paper is the first step (i hope)

My new eating plan explained

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/557201-how-to-lose-weight-correctly

I posted the above thread on my facebook today and it led to a number of questions so I decided to write a post about it. Now this eating plan is basically saying...eat as much as you can to get the losses...

Now to go thru this bit by bit. First thing you need to know your weight in pounds - to work this out times your weight in kilos by 2.2

So we will use myself as a example - and while i didnt want to post this...i currently weigh 88.4 kilos....so to get my weight in pounds you multiply by 2.2 = 194.48.

You then have to work out your maintenance calorie level...now this is the number of calories if you ate every day would enable you to maintain your weight. So you need to work out how active you are...

Sedentary 10-11
Lightly active 11-12
Moderately active 12-13
Very active 14-15
Extremely active 18-19

Now if you have a lot of weight to lose take the lower number and multiply it by your weight in pounds...if you are close to goal then take the higher number.

Now to work out what your level is you need to think about your job and exercise. So for example....sedentry would be a office worker who does no exercise. I am a office worker but I do a lot of exercise so for me i would be moderately active. So we take my weight in pounds and multiply it by 13 since in relatively close to my goal weight.

so 194.48 x 13 = 2528.24 calories.

So what this is saying if I ate that many calories every day I would maintain my weight.

But we want to lose weight right? So we need a deficit...so to get a deficit we deduct 10-15% from our maintenance level. I am going to start with a 10% deficit level....so my maintenance is 2528.24 calories...10% of that is 252.824...sooooo.....

i take my maintenance cals is 2528.24 and i deduct 10% which is 252.824 which equals 2275.416 calories.


Given that i should lose about half a kilo a week.

The next thing to focus on is your protein, aim for 1 gram of protein per every pound you weigh. So for me....i should eat about 194 grams of protein per day. So thats my macronutrient goal.

It is also recommended that every 3 months you have one week off from counting calories and exercise this is suppose to help balance your hormones and help with recovery.

The last thing to be aware of is for a lot of us this will mean we are eating more calories....but eating this way is resetting your metabolism. So you may initially have a gain...but what you need to remember that the only way to gain half a kilo of FAT is to eat your maintenance calories PLUS a additional 3500 calories....if you havent done that any gains are fluid. This way of eating also may take 3-4 weeks to show a loss...this isnt about a quick loss diet plan....but it is something that is sustainable for life.

*** If you have any other questions your question is most likely answered in the link i posted at the top of the page...***

Plans...

Well yesterday was a good day yet at the same time made me realise how this bad eating is affecting my body. When i woke i thought enough is enough....and started thinking about how many calories i should stick too...logged onto my fitnesspal.com and started doing some reading (great amounts of knowledge on those forums) anyway without getting too technical i decided i would eat 90% of me TDEE (check out this link for more info http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/512956-tdee-what-i s-it-and-why-you-should-not-eat-below-your-bmr) but when i also take my exercise into account not to eat under 1605 cals. So....90% of my TDEE is 2100 cals...yesterday i burn 1059 cals...which meant i really only took in 1100 cals...so i added a extra 500 cals to my food of the day (and think about it....when i was eating 1200 cals per day and burning 400-1000 cals per day - no wonder i was freaking starving and starting a cycle of binging!) but anyway...so i read up on this quite a bit...it does say you may initially gain as you are basically reseting your metabolism and it may be 3-4 weeks till you see movement in the right direction. Today i did gain 700 grams...but its day 2 of my cycle and usually gain on day 2 of my cycle (and usually gain up to about 1.5 kilos) so not worried...will keep eating good :)) Im also going to really focus on getting my protein up...its recommended 1 gram per pound of weight so for my it would be around 175-180 grams of protein which is a LOT and might take me a bit to work up to but its a focus.

Yesterday I did a hour workout outdoor...then 60 mins body pump and 60 mins body balance...must admit by the time body balance had come around i was exhausted and not too interested in exercising...i think i didnt have enough energy cos of my food. Then last nite i went out for dinner with Martine and Tina...i tracked everything...had 2 pieces of bruschetta and carbonara toretelini with a skim hot chocolate and a mini macaron ... all up put me 11 calories under for the day LOL so i did good :)

During the night i woke up with a sore tooth..got up took some painkillers and ended up with freaking heart burn! Yes my body is telling me to get back to eating good lol!! I can still feel it a bit at 9am in the morning :( but im sure i know how to remedy it...and thats gettig back into the good food.

I also got given the running program for me yesterday....so the training has 3 runs for the week...2 x 2km runs at a slow pace...then a 1km run at a moderate pace.

Also got my heart rate monitor battery replaced so back using that...so i can be accurate with everything.

Today im at work...doing 4 hours of overtime - all extra spending money for syndey hehe :)

Well this scales going up rubbish has to stop! Last nite i did body pump and foodwise was pretty good. Today im on a lower calorie day of 1400 calories....im having a chicken salad for dinner tonite and have about 200 calories left. I was going to do pump tonite....but i did weights and cardio wednesday nite...pump last nite and will be doing pump tomorrow so thought id prolly give it a break but i prolly shoulda still gone in and did some cardio. Today was my last day with Ryan at work...so i now have to get into a fresh routine...and im over the scales going up...tired of the bad eating days affecting my sleeping at night....so im going to stick to the calorie limit RELIGIOUSLY! So my workout plans from tomorrow are:

saturday : 60 mins outdoor workout + body pump + body balance
sunday : Day off
monday : 30 mins boxing + 45 mins body combat
tuesday : 60 mins running with Fiona
wednesday : 30 mins stair climbing + 30 min weight PT + 45 mins cycle class
thursday : step into life (cardio)
friday : Body pump

Tomorrow nite i am going out for dinner but as it is my high calorie meal for the week i am not concerned. Will have bruschetta prolly and a nice pasta dish and that will be all. (With 3 hours exercise i think that will be fine! lol) I also need to get organised with my work lunches and snacks...thats whats letting me down i think.

Work asked me to work overtime this weekend...so im going to do 4 hours on sunday and ive also booked in for 4 hours the following sunday...so some extra money for Sydney :) Sydney is coming up quickly! 13 days to go....booked the caving adventure and ghost tour last nite. YAY :) Soooooooooooooooo looking forward to the break....fun, fun :)

I realise now my goals are not the same as they were 5.5 years ago....5.5 years ago my goal was to meet a partner....to me that meant i would "have a life" but these days that has changed...ive realised that my vision of to "have a life" is more about living more....i really just want to live a adventure...theres so many things i think of that i would like to do...
-
-bushwalking
-adventure caving (okay doing that one soon!)
-visit snow/skiing
-tennis lessons
-horse riding
-rock climbing
-abseiling
-reach 75 kilos
-take a overseas trip
-eureka tower climb

Adventure caving is the first on the list to be done...as i will be doing that on april 28th :)

Ive decided also to go back to using my HRM to assist with me setting goals with exercise...the battery needs replacing which ill go get done on friday nite. Today i did a 30 min PT session with Nora...then went for a run around the torrens with Fiona. Tomorrow nite body pump and thats about it. I am starting to give thought to more varied ways of exercising....i need more "fresh" stuff...to go do and think wow yeh that was good :)

Nora told me today my leg muscles are very developed and much stronger then my upper body so we arent going to focus so much on my leg strength...my arms arent that strong so she wants me to focus on that...im not surprised by that...im a absolute weakling in pump especially when it comes to the bicep and tricep track lol

Trying AGAIN to refocus!

Heres the reality of things....for the last 6 months i have not been as focused as i once was...im not positive why...sometimes i think i never settled down after fiona left the gym (even tho i still train with her)....sometimes i think its that after hurting my back....i feel cautious of it and dont throw myself back into the gym how i use too...ive got slack...i still workout every tuesday and saturday with fiona and the last 5 weeks or so wednesday nights with Nora....but im not at the level i use to be...i use to gym it on monday nights and it was always a huge nite...2 classes followed by PT...now i cant even remember the last time i was at the gym on a monday night! Even when i have trained on wednesday with noras...thats all ive done just my 30 minute PT sessions....i then use to train on thursday nites...nope dont go in thursday nites and rarely do on friday nites....ive also really struggled with my eating...especially lately i have been binging to a degree....i eat reistrictive for 2-3 days then have a day of what i classify as binging...which is where its like i think the food is going to run out so i have to eat it as quickly as possible ... i dont even taste it...now that said i havent for the last 6 days...which is a improvement....thank god ive still been training with fiona...as my gain has been restricted over this 6 month period to about 3 kilos...but im tired...im tired of people saying i dont need to lose anymore weight...i get by comparison to where i started im much healthier...but i still have fat...on my legs...tummy...butt...im still 6 kilos off from the healthy weight range...and i guess i get people will think...whats she whinging about ....she is so close to goal....but its not about that....its about feeling in control...and at the moment i dont feel in control...just like 5 years ago when i wasnt in control. I know i need to get a better attitude...and also get back to the "gym is not negotiable" and whilst i may change gyms or look at other options when my gym contract ends...i know to be in the now...and i just HAVE to get back to attending the gym...and not allowing to talk myself into not going .... and i also need to stop saying "ill get back on track tomorrow" cos as we all know....tomorrow never comes.

So i want to commit to the gym over the next 7 days....so my plan is:

wednesday : 30 mins PT with Nora then 60 min workout with Fiona
thurdsay : Body Pump
friday : Body Pump
Saturday : 60 min outdoor workout + body pump + body balance
Sunday : 6km walk
Monday : Boxing + Body Combat
Tuesday : 60 min outdoor workout with Fiona

I mean thats a big workout week....but if I committ to it...which would mean ill be focused on going to the gym each nite...not lazying around home....maybe if i get back into the workouts the food will fall into place. The next two days with my cycling of calories are both high calorie days...so i should be able to stick to them without a issue...so 1800 tomorrow and 2000 on thursday. Ill weigh myself tomorrow and work on being stronger and getting my focus back....because the honest truth is im NOT satisfied at this weight....im not happy with the tone of my body....whilst i realise ive done good i need to get out of this level of complacency and while i need to be careful of my back....i need to stop avoiding stuff cos of my back...need to keep increasing those weights safely in pump...i need to get back on the rower and starting increasing that..i also need to start doing the homework fiona sets me every night...not just when it suits me!! I have 2 weeks till Sydney...id like to be under 80 kilos by then....time to honestly refocus! Ive said it before...but I need to just keep on trying till i truly get back on track

Good, good!!

I cannot say how happy i am that i have gone back to 1700 calories and calorie cycling. Its not that im getting to eat more...altho not starving is bloomin nice!!! But it just feels like a weight of me...and so far its going good....after 2 days of eating MORE ive dropped 1.8 kilos....so i am back down to 80.5 kilos *happy, happy!!!* I briefly chatted to fiona today and she agreed...while were not saying im not going to lose anymore weight....its a good time to focus on good habits and exercising well and putting good nutritious food into my body :)

With it being easter tomorrow...i bought 2 hot cross buns from brumbys (no packet of half dozen here at my house! LOL) and i bought a box of 150 grams of Lindt mixed chocolate...was really hoping to get some white Lindt chocolate balls but they didnt have any...so 150 grams is still quite a bit of chocolate...i feel like i have really spoilt myself....but as its only 150 grams (less then a block of chocolate...and real nice stuff will be like a complete treat!)

Today i did a hour long outdoor workout....omg...so hard LOL lots of ab work plus more work on me being able to do pull ups...this is going to be a long process till i can do them but each session will be a additional step towards doing them (as well as building a awesome chest, arm and back muscles -rawr-), i then went and did a 60 minute body pump class and a 60 minute body balance class. I was impressed i did 5 kilos on each end of the bar for both lunges and squats -rawr- slowly building those weights up!! :) Body balance was a new release (anyone done it yet?) i was impressed with how well i did dancers pose, star and aeroplane...so obvious how much my balance has increased! Was a hard release but enjoyed it (im sure ive mentioned how i love body balance....especially the last 5 minutes of meditation lol)

On the right path....I think....lol...

I feel much better today...in fact the minute i had written last nights post i felt better. I think i was trying to stay with what i was doing cos that was expected of me (by the gym) but i knew eating such a lil amount was just getting me into a bad cycle of binging. So i ended up eating 1900 cals...i upped the cals by having a tin of tuna plus 2 protein shakes...i felt the minute i made the decision just a huge sigh if relief....so my focus this week will be on jsut sticking to my calories for 7 days...no binging...if i do that then that is a massive improvement. Also as a side note even tho i ate 1900 cals i dropped 1.2 kilos so back down to 81.1 kilos so very happy with that. :) I think my thinking is just changing back to what it should be....just a focus on health...im remembering that exercise is beneficial so much more then the calories burnt...so i really need to bring that focus back on good healthy eating with a good level of exercise without overtraining.

Work was very busy this morning but a bit of a breeze this afternoon :) Gotta love that! Tomorrow morning training with Fiona...then body pump for a hour followed by body balance for a hour...my sister comes down tomorrow afternoon from Streaky Bay so with luck will catch up with them saturday night....if not....will definitely catch up on sunday :)

My treats for easter sunday is going to be a hot cross bun from brumbys (i was stunned they are only 20 more calories then the crappy lil ones you buy at grocery stores) and im gonna buy a small packet of lindt chocolate balls...dark chocolate ones if possible (discoverred they are 80 calories a ball...like OMG!!! no wonder i have to save them for special occassions! lol)

I am rather sore from wednesday nights weight session (we are working on me doing pullups) my upper abs...my back near my armpits...and arms are all sore....they are going to be fun tomorrow ! LOL

Have a good easter saturday all :)

Has a plan !

The scales are still pretty much all over the place. This morning i was 82.3 kilos...I have 9 weeks left to the foxy challenge...because i have committed to doing the challenge i feel that i have to see their eating plan out...the problem is i suspect its too low calories....dont get me wrong when i religiously follow it i drop...but some days are as low as 1100 cals (highest day is around 1380 cals) so im torn altho i wonder if its supposedly not enough food why fernwood would have it as part of their challenge?? Ive looked online as several calorie calculators and a lot recommend 1500-1661...and to be honest...i dont want to starve but i also want results. In a few weeks time i am getting the DEXA scan done....that will give me a lot more info... I personally would prefer to lose only 200 or 300 grams a week but have consistent losses...but i feel like im doing "wrong" if i dont stick to fernwoods plan. I keep telling people they need to "make a plan"....so i really need to do the same. I know Jillian has talked on her shows about when you get close to goal what you should do...so im trying to go thru her radio shows to find this...didnt find it on her radio show but did in her book "making the cut"...she says to eat your BMR and exercise 4 days a week....Fiona gave me a set of scales that measure body fat, skeleton, water etc....they currently show my BMR as 1702. I think i will weigh in in the morning and confirm what my BMR is...i do feel bad to not stick out fernwoods plan....but i just dont think this being restrictive and then overeating is not getting me "healthy"....So i think i will eat 1700 calories and go back to what works for me...and that is calorie cycling...and then look at my weight next week...maybe it will need to come down a lil...so im going to focus on still getting as much protein in me as possible....the very worst at this weight i should maintain. So im going to do the higher calorie days on my big exercise days...so...this next weeks exercise routine will be:

friday : day off
saturday : training with fiona for a hour + body pump + body balance
sunday : 6km walk
monday : day off
tuesday : 1 hour PT with fiona
wednesday : PT with Nora + Cycle Class
thursday : Body pump + Body Step

Foodwise my calories will be

friday : 1400
saturday : 2100
sunday : 1600
monday : 1300
tuesday : 1700
wednesday : 1800
thursday : 2000

Exercise wise we are pumping things up a bit .... i wanna build more muscle....so we are going to be not only work on the running but also into doing chin ups....which should assist me in toning more and building muscle...and getting more definition in my upper body :) Plus I think once i have been to Sydney and have the DEXA scan i will have a VERY accurate body fat percentage and BMR and do things more accurately :) So i am far from giving up....but do think its important i get more consistent and healthier....cos this eating 1100 calories...and then 3 days later wanting to eat everything I lay my eyes on is not how i saw or see myself as a healthy person! Plus I will of course keep restricting my processed foods...fernwoods foxy plan certainly gave me some good ideas for some different foods :)

April Goals :)

Today was MOSTLY a good day lol. I didnt start work till 9.30am,,,so i went to the gym before work. Did body pump...ever since i hurt my back ive been very cautious in body pump...but have been very slowly increasing my weights on the back track (im mostly concerned with the back and shoulder track) anyway...last week i did 2.5 kilos on each end of the bar for the back track...today I increased it to 3.5 kilos on each end and had no problems :) So ill be doing pump on thursday....ill up it to 3.75kilos on each end....and then leave it for a bit...the absolute maximum ill go too will be 5 kilos on each end...im not even going to tempt fate with my back! But i was super happy with how well i did this morning!

I then went to work...because i was starting late...lunch wasnt till 2pm...and at 11.30am im saying to ryan "im so hungry i could eat a horse" and i kid you not within 5 minutes of saying that a cadbury chocolate rabbit landed on my desk....haha landed and was then gobbled up ;) I have a sneaky suspicion they will give us one more chocolate present (hello work! White chocolate lindt balls please!! lol) ive decided on sunday for easter sunday....ill buy one hot cross bun from brambys and one small lil packet of lindts chocolate balls and thats it...hopefully i survive the weekend foodwise...as my sister i think is coming down this weekend with means meals at mum which i always struggle with...but fingers crossed that all goes well. I will gym it saturday morning and might even venture down for a walk around the torrens (enjoyed that so much last weekend)

Tomorrow im working and then training with Fiona tomorrow nite....3rd day in a row exercising...ive set some goals for April including some non scale ones...so they are

* To be under 79 kilos
* To attend 20 group fitness classes (1 down...19 to go)
* And to run 2km non stop

Hers to a good April :)

Such a good day today :) Met up with Fiona at the torrens we walked around it with some intervals of running. Much as I grumbled LOL i soooooooooo want to be able to run but sometimes i dont feel like i am getting anywhere with it....on the last interval tho fiona was like "i was following you then...you were going faster" YAY cos i didnt even set out to try and go faster...not quite sure how it happened LOL. So looking forward to getting the running plan this week and hopefully i cn make some improvements in that area. Afterwards fiona and i walked into town and grabbed some quick lunch and then went shopping! Who woulda thought it,,,,me trying on clothes in country road :) I ended up buying to Lorna Jane tops (of course!) and a veronika maine and a portmans top..yay :)

My food has been really, really good today...very ecstatic about that...and i cant even tell you how relieved i am to think i dont have to weigh in the morning...not cos i think it will be a bad result...but just the pressure of feeling bad if the scales dont respond how i feel they should. Its a weight of my mind....

Not much else going on...up early tomorrow morning for pump at 7am...have a good week all! :)